Category Archives: Friends

In Which Making Friends is Like Dating for Moms

Posted on September 21, 2011 by Stephanie Alexander| 27 Comments

Today I like: Rainy mornings that turn into sunny afternoons
Not so much: Homework

Today’s post is not about writing, or fairy tales, or gender dynamics. It’s not really about motherhood, although I guess it is about something that’s vital to moms. Well, not just moms, but all women. It’s…the girlfriend.

We all need them. I’ve been so, so blessed to have wonderful female friendships that have followed me through my life. I count my mother, my sister, and two of my cousins as my closest friends. I have a friend coming to visit me next weekend who I’ve know since we attended a single grade of school together at age eight. I have high school friends and college friends and friends I’ve made through my children’s school and my neighborhood. These relationships are vital to my health and my soul, and I hope I’ve reciprocated support and laughter to these amazing women over the years.

So when I moved back to Charleston, I was lucky enough to still have two of my very dearest, oldest girlfriends here in town. Freshman-year-in-college, lived-together-for-years kind of friends. We don’t live very close to each other, unfortunately, and get together when we can. I’m thrilled to be able to see them on a more regular basis, but I’m conscious that it will take work. When I left DC, I left behind not only my mother, but a few very close friends, and I my heart hurts missing them every day. Particularly my best friends from my neighborhood. We had an almost “college-like” relationship. Saw each other every day. Talked on the phone every day. Spent Friday and Saturday nights together nearly every weekend. Went on trips together. I recognize how rare it is for adult, balancing work and family, to have that everyday closeness. I feel like I’ve been cut loose, just a bit. Sort of like I’m “single” again.

So I’m here, now, in Charleston, and for the first time in years I’m on the prowl. On the prowl for girlfriends.

It’s not so different from dating. You head to a party, or the park, or a room parent meeting. A few moms turn up. You check them out. Hmmm, she looks pretty cool. Fun dress. Looks like she works out– maybe we have something in common? About my age…because I’m not trying to “date” too young or too old…maybe I should make a move?

So we chat…kids…work…where-y’all-from? She’s funny! Fascinating background…drinks good beer! I’m interested!

But maybe she’s not. Maybe she has a million friends and doesn’t need any more. Maybe I’m coming off as too blunt (I’ve been known to have that problem in the past.). Well, I’ve dropped the hint. Let’s see what happens.

Next day, I wonder…maybe I’ll shoot her an email and see if she wants to grab coffee? Hmmm…don’t want to be a pest but it’s worth it. That chick was too cool to pass up.

By the time I get around to looking up her email address it’s afternoon. Flip open my in-box. Oh, look, she emailed me first!

Yeah! Guess she wants to be friends. Let’s do coffee. It’s just a “first date,” but you never know. Maybe I’ve made a match.

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Posted in Friends, Motherhood

Christmas cards and the Dodo

Posted on December 16, 2010 by Stephanie Alexander| 3 Comments

Today I like: The sound of snow
Not so much: Driving minivan in snow

Just a quick note today on Christmas cards. I’m thinking about them because I have a large stack sitting on my kitchen counter. They scream at me for deliverance every time I walk past them. You see, theses cards are for our neighborhood friends. There are roughly forty of them, white squares of holiday cheer, all ready to go.

I have not yet sunk so low as to mail a card that will eventually end up within shouting distance of my house. For four days I’ve been trying to find time to drive around my large subdivision and insert said holiday greetings into our infamous neighborhood mailboxes (the ones that look like birdhouses and are regularly subject to the whims of teenagers bent on destruction, but that’s another post). But… it’s cold (I’m a wuss) and I’m rushing rushing rushing. I just haven’t gotten to it.

Part of me wonders why we all still go through the Christmas card rigmarole. Almost everyone I send a card is on my Facebook list, other than my grandmother and a few high-minded friends who are opposed to Facebook on principle. Everyone already knows what my kids look like (cards with no pics are so 1975). My neighbors see them on a regular basis at the pool or at school or in the grocery store. Why spent money and time, and sacrifice trees, on cards that will most likely be trashed faster than you can say 2011?

I have a theory. We keep doling out the cards because they remind us of the days when people looked forward to getting mail. When it wasn’t just bills and catalogues (and the occasional rejection from a literary agent!). Something fun and personal in the birdhouse! I love it! This year my girls are hanging the cards around the kitchen doorway, and all those smiling kids and cute new puppies and Tiny Prints templates do make me feel warm and fuzzy. I had a grand old time choosing pictures for our card. Combed through the whole year, noticed how much the kids have grown, marveled at just how adorable they are.

So I will keep the tradition going. I’ll throw the kids in the car some evening before Christmas Eve and we will troll the neighborhood for the best light display. The girls will get a kick out of shoving cards into birdhouses. I’ll recycle the cards I receive and encourage you to do the same. Long live Christmas cards! May they never go the way of the dodo.

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Posted in Balance, Friends, Motherhood

Crimes against Facebook

Posted on November 16, 2010 by Stephanie Alexander| 4 Comments

Today I like: watching Little Einsteins with C in my lap
Not so much: see below

First let me say I love Facebook. Unlike a lot of my fellow thirty-somethings, I’m not ashamed! I don’t pretend like I don’t check in once or twice a day for a laugh. I come from a small town, and FB is like a never ending reunion. I’m often pleasantly surprised at the wit of former teammates and sorority sisters. I love seeing pictures of my current neighbors from their big-hair-and-shoulder-pads days. I am grateful I no longer need to print pictures of the kids for far-flung family members. All that being said, I have noticed several trends that MUST BE STOPPED.

So here it is, Stephanie’s Top Five FB Pet Peeves

5) The Cry For Help. Suzie Smith is just feeling so depressed. Or she is wondering if she can make it through the day. Or maybe she is tired of this cruel, cold world. These posts inevitably result in ten comments along the lines of “What’s wrong?” “Are you okay?” or “Did you take your meds, Suzie?” If life is rough and you want some sympathy, just put it out there.

on the opposite note…

4) The Thinly-disguised Boast. Suzie Smith is having all five of my bathrooms remodeled. The dust is just totally annoying. Or, she is trying to decide between the Lexus and the Beamer. Any advice? Or, she’s reviewing her stock portfolio and sipping cosmos on this lovely Friday afternoon. I’m really, really pleased that your life is going so well, but save your bragging for your kids, marathons, job promotions and Nobel Peace prizes.

3) The Poser. Suzie loves to post pictures of herself, usually self-portraits taken at weird angles, like reflected from a bathroom mirror. Everyone wants a nice profile pic (I finally have one I like and it will still be there when I am way too old for anyone to recognize it as me), but let’s keep it to one or two. No one needs an entire photo-montage of your attempts to produce your own imitation Annie Leibowitz.

2) The Personal Conversation That Won’t Quit. Suzie posts a pic of her cute kids. “Nice pic, Suz!” I say. A few other people follow suit. Then Bob comes along. He hasn’t heard from Suzie in a while, and the two of them proceed to chat back and forth over the pic for several days, resulting in everyone else who commented on the pic learning way more than they ever needed to know about Suzie, Bob, and their assorted children, educational backgrounds, political beliefs and mortgages. Here’s a nice rule to follow (IMHO), if you’re going to trade more than a few personal comments, go private!

1) Gratuitous Facebook Flattery. Suzie is a nice gal. She compliments everyone. It’s really nice! However, there is a point where niceness becomes Gratuitous FB Flattery. I’ve found this stuff usually comes in partnerships. As in, if Suzie gives Bob slobbery commentary (maybe, “OMG Bob that haircut makes you look just like Brad Pitt! SOOOO HOT!) then Bob will throw it back at her (“Suz you’ve always been my karaoke inspiration, I heart you!”) (“No, I heart you more!”) (“You!”) etc., etc., etc…We all dish out compliments on FB. Most of the time we mean them! People do look great and have cute kids and awesome accomplishments. Let’s keep the sentiments real!

So there is it, my list of FB no-no’s. Maybe I’ve been guilty of some of them in the past…however, now that I’ve put this out for the world I’d better walk the walk…It’s so depressing…having to take time out from producing self-portraits with $10,000.00 camera to contemplate the harsh reality of FB…don’t you think so, Bob? Bob? I heart you! You ROCK!

Steph

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Posted in Friends