Category Archives: Family

My New Appreciation for Sibling Rivalry

Today I like: Not having to get up at 6am
Not so much: Dragging my 9yo to “Kids’ Town” at the gym…it’s like, soooo lame there.

This morning I entered my older daughter’s bedroom to wake both girls. E and H, 9 and 7, respectively, have their own rooms, but have always slept in the E’s bedroom. Every night since H moved out of a crib. These days they prefer to share the double bed on the bottom of E’s bunk beds. Morning light lit their sleeping faces…two blond angels snuggled under a teal and lime green shag iCarly comforter. “Wake up, girls!” I said, as I  marveled for the thousandth time at their sisterly closeness.

“Errrr….” muttered one or the other….followed by, “Get your KNEE out of my BACK.”

“YOU get your ELBOW off my HAIR!”

Bliss shattered, I head to my four-year-old son’s room. “C, wake up, sleepy head!”

He sits up. “Where are my girls?”

Probably strangling each other, I think, but I keep that supposition to myself.

Once we’re in the car on the way to school, H and C are watching a Mickey Mouse video on my phone. C sniffs…a long, drawn out, watery little boy snort.

“EWWWWWW! Gross!” says H. “He’s snorting!”

“He has a runny nose,” I say. “I’m sorry…I think I’m out of tissues.” Damn summer cold.

Sniff, sniff…snargle snort snort…

“He’s doing it on PURPOSE!!!” wails H. She retracts the phone. C shrieks in rage, and snorts for good measure.

I intervene. “Let him see the video–and he has to snort…if not it will run down his face.”

“STOP SNORTING!!” Tears of indignation.

“I need to snort!” C yells back at her. “Let me snort!”

This litany follows me over the Ravenel Bridge, to the carpool line…wherein H brushes past C as she gets out of car…as if his boogery nose might attach to her gym uniform and follow her, snorfling all the way, into class.

A few relatively peaceful hours later I pick C up from school. “Where are my girls?” he asks.

We scoop them up and head home to make brownies. E is not in a sharing mood. She hogs the brownie mix, the eggs, the vegetable oil, the stirring spoons, the brownie pan, and 90% of the counter space. Finally I nix her from the process…which sends her retreating to the couch with her book and a bunch of unintelligible grumblings against her siblings, who each had the nerve to want to crack an egg. C and H finish the brownies, and spend several gloriously messy moments slurping brownie batter from spoons.

H gets a glimpse of Miss Huffy on the couch. She washes her spoon, dunks it in the batter…and presents the chocolate covered plastic lollipop to her sister.

Both girls eye me…I give E the nod. “Thanks,” she mutters, although I’m sure the effort is constricting her vocal chords.

Later all three head to the trampoline, and during that hour E defends C from the boy across the street, who is, “like, totally too rough with him.” H accidentally brains E with her elbow, causing E to inform her that she is, “the worst sister EVER.”

Five minutes later both girls are spinning hand in hand until they fall over…the sounds of their giggling is like a bunch of happy crickets on this early summer evening.

C informs E that he HATES HER because she is SO MEAN…and I never quite figure out why. C has an overtired meltdown, during which I explain that he has to go to sleep if he wants to go to the beach tomorrow…to which H instructs him, “Just listen to Mommy, C, and it will all be just fine, buddy.” Complete with much back patting and hair smoothing.

All three kids beg to sleep in the same bedroom, so E and H are on the bottom bunk…while C takes the top. I tuck everyone in, and get approximately five minutes of peace.

“MOMMMM-YYYY!! I NEED YOU!”

It’s a girl’s voice, but I’m not sure which one. “What’s up, buddies?” I call as I run up the steps. Maybe C fell out of the bed or something.

It’s E. She’s chapped. “C is like…humming. He’s doing it on PURPOSE.”

“C, stop humming.”

“Hmmm…hmmm…hummy hum hum.”

“See!” says E, somewhat gleefully. She’s totally validated.

“C, stop…or I’ll move you to your own room.”

“NOOOO!” C wails. “I want to sleep with my sisters!”

“Then shut up!” yells E.

“Shut up is not nice,” says H.

“You shut up, too!”

“Whoa!! Everyone…how about BE QUIET!” I say.

Several minutes of explanation about the value of sleep later (which I’m sure had no effect except to bore all three into tiredness), everyone is settled down. H pokes E, but for now it’s funny. C hums, but sort of quietly…and E puts the pillow over her head. Three in a bed…all is peaceful.

So when I review this day, a few points pop into my head. First, we’re never so honest as we are with our siblings during childhood. We have no filters, we say exactly what we mean and let the chips (or Legos, or Barbie shoes) fall where they may. We’re perfectly comfortable in the knowledge that the argument will pass…and we still love one another.

Somehow we grow up, and we lose that combination of brutal honesty and unconditional love. We stew, and pull back, and blow. We avoid and we read into things and we hold grudges. Eventually we forget how to let it all hang out, even with our brothers and sisters. Anyone who has a contentious adult relationship with a sibling knows this.

Remember when you could scream at your sister one minute and crack up the next? Remember when you knocked your brother upside the head and then held ice to his goose egg? It’s love/hate…but mostly love.

Now, I’m not saying that we adults should abandon diplomacy for interactions of a 9, 7 and 4-year-old. I do think, however, we can all learn a little bit about the nuances of love and forgiveness from my little buddies.

Life On-Demand

Today I like: On-Demand TV
Not so much: On-Demand TV

If you have kids you’re probably a fan of On-Demand TV. I admit, it’s great when I’m making dinner or I need a few minutes of uninterrupted phone time. Lately I’ve been thinking, however, that for today’s kids, On-Demand TV translates into On-Demand life.

I don’t mean to sound like my grandfather (“When I was your age all we had to play with was an old wagon wheel. And damnit, we had FUN with that wagon wheel.”) It’s just that I believe we’re doing out kids a disservice, in that they don’t ever have to wait for anything. No specific time for a TV show to come on. No sitting through the commercials. No waiting for Rulolph the Red-nosed Reindeer or The Great Pumpkin to make their yearly appearances. And it goes beyond TV. Everything is pre-packaged, from snacks to friendships. (Playdates, anyone? No wandering the streets to see who you might run into.) Everything is structured and planned and we know exactly when it’s coming.

If you’re a writer, you know this isn’t the case. We wait, and wait, and wait some more. You reach a point where nothing you do will make the decisions or feedback come any faster. It’s the same in other professions, from lawyers to salespeople. Full-time parents spend our lives waiting for our kids to eat, wake up, go to sleep. You can’t have the information or the outcome you want the second you want it.

How will this On-Demand lifestyle serve our kids? I don’t know. I’m now willing to give up my DVR just yet. But I’m thinking about it.

I’ve Been Afraid of Changin’

Today I like: School uniforms
Not so much: Paying for them! Wow, pricy.

This is my first post since my family officially relocated to Charleston, South Carolina, home of my alma mater, C of C. Anyone who’s read this blog knows of my undying love for this city, and if you’re so inclined you can see check out this post on the reasons for my devotion. I’ve dreamed of getting back here, permanently, for about five years. Somehow, within the span of roughly three months, that notion went from daydream to reality. So naturally, I’m thrilled.

I’ll admit, however, that when the move first looked like it might really happen, I panicked. Second thoughts swamped me. We had a nice house. Tons of friends. The kids were settled in school and loved our community. My mom lived a few towns over.

I loved Charleston, but did I want to rock this little boat? Send it down a creek we’ve not yet navigated?

Friends asked us why we were moving, and I struggled for a reason that would sound practical. We weren’t moving for my husband’s job, or my job (Hello! As a yet unpaid novelist…I can do that pretty much anywhere). We don’t have family in Charleston. I came up with this vague reasoning…quality of life. Hmm…clear as pluff mud, I know.

The logistics were daunting, from packing to gathering umpteen financial documents, from sorting out new schools to getting our DC house ready to sell…not to mention keeping it in show-able shape at all times with three kids home for the summer. In the meantime I was working on a rewrite for my agent…putting the final touches on The Cracked Slipper in preparation for submission.

It felt like too much. As much as I wanted to get back to Charleston, a little voice in my head kept up a running commentary. The voice sounded sort of like Steve Buscemi playing Nucky Thompson on Boardwalk Empire. Minus copious amounts of bootleg gin and hip retro Prohibition suits.

“Too much…too much. Let’s just keep comfortable. We have a swell setup here.”

In the end I told Steve to shut his pie hole and dug in. And once I got going, it wasn’t so bad. Focus, time. Move from one thing to the next and check the box. It all fell into place, and started to feel good. Driving over the Cooper River Bridge this morning, I had this thought: “Thank God. I’m home. What took me so long?”

I couldn’t help but compare my pre-move jitters to similar feelings I’ve had throughout the process of writing and (hopefully!) publishing The Cracked Slipper. Last summer a published novelist read my manuscript, and while she loved the characters and the voice, she presented me with a seemingly insurmountable point-of-view challenge.

She suggested I rewrite the entire MS, at the time written in a multiple closed third person POV. She wanted a single POV. She even suggested first person.

My first thought: “No freakin’ way. I can’t! I know this story backwards and forwards! I can recite it by heart! I love some of those scenes!”

Case in point, I was comfortable with the story as it was.

But Steve started in again. This time, he was right. “C’mon, kid. It’s good now. It’s a real hum dinger. But it could be great.”

And I saw the problems…my multiple POV’s diluted the plot, and in turn un-empowered my protagonist. I knew I had to take the advice. So I took a deep breath and, yup, I dug in. In the end I chose to keep the third person, and tell the story from the perspectives of both my heroine and her love interest, but it was still a massive effort. I slogged it out over six sweltering August weeks.

Just like with the move, once I got my head around what I needed to do it started flowing. It all came together, and even as I wrote it I could see the story getting stronger with each revision, new scene, and yes…even deletion of that beloved old material.

Once I finished I reread the entire novel. “Thank God I listened to her,” I thought. “Why didn’t I do this before?”

So, that’s my lesson for today. Get beyond comfortable, in life and writing. Dive in and make the change happen. Don’t settle for the okay, when you can have fabulous with a bit of effort. I’m guessing you’ll wonder why it took you so long.

Sixteen and Summer Memories Part IV

 

Today I like: Peaceful mornings
Not so much: Muggy DC summers

So this is the last of my summer memories essays! This one was really fun. Sixteen years old. Makes me want to try my hand at writing YA fiction someday. I’ve really enjoyed posting these. Only problem is now I’ll have to come up with new blog material again! Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting. xo

The Job

“Excuse me…umm, Excuse me, miss?”

Oops. I must have actually nodded off for a second. I’ve perfected the art of being half asleep with my head up and my book propped up on my legs. I can close my eyes and no one can see that behind my sunglasses I’m snoozing and not diligently manning my umbrella stand. Usually I can hear people coming. The tourists always huff and puff, and oooh aaah yikes ouch ouch on the hot sand, but this guy managed to sneak up on me. I better be more careful because if my boss, Ron Steen, owner of Steen’s Beach Service (serving Bethany Beach since 1957) were to catch me sleeping he might can me right on the spot. That man is convinced people want to snake his boogie boards. He’s not so worried about the umbrellas. I guess he figures they’re too big and obvious for someone to run off with one. Everyone around here would recognize a giant yellow umbrella that says STEEN in huge letters all over the side. But he’s really worked up about the boogie boards, so he makes sure we copy down people’s driver’s license information before we rent one. This really pisses people off because who brings their driver’s license down on the beach? But if they don’t have it I say, too bad, so sad no boogie board for you. With my luck the first time I let someone have a board without writing down their info will be the first time someone actually runs off with one of the damn things. If Ron has their info he can track them back to Pennsylvania or wherever and bang on their doors until they hand over the boogie board. Ron would definitely can me if I lost any of his stuff and I am not about to lose my job as a Steen girl, which is probably the best job in the world.

So anyway this guy is standing here and he wants an umbrella for the day. I’m glad I’m wearing my sunglasses because I’m trying not to stare. He’s a big fat guy with tons of chest hair and a furry mustache and giant Ray-ban sunglasses. That in itself is not unusual but the fact that he’s crammed into a tiny Speedo is a little out of touch with Bethany’s usual family vibe. Under his chest hair I can see he’s bright red. I wonder if that’s sunburn or maybe his bathing suit is cutting off circulation to the rest of his body. Unfortunately, my sunglasses don’t cover my mouth. I have to work really hard to keep the rest of my face pleasant but not laugh. I take his money and ask him where he’s sitting.

“Over there.” He waves toward the lifeguard stand. Usually this annoys me because people all look the same after a while and there are hundreds of them on this beach. I end up wondering around with the umbrella trying to remember who rented it, but this guy will be hard to miss. I say, “I’ll be right over.”

I climb up into the wooden shed, which everyone calls a Steen Box, and pull out an umbrella. I write the number down, grab my Baltimore Trust moneybag (another way to get canned is to leave your money bag alone where it too might get snaked) and set off after Mister Speedo.

“Right here is good,” he says as I walk up. I drop my moneybag (TIPS ARE APPRECIATED is written in big letters on there in case anyone wonders whether I take tips) and flip the umbrella over to open it. I jam the big wooden stake down in the sand and rotate the thing back and forth until it is stuck in the sand like that sword in the movie about King Arthur we watched in mythology class last year. Men always want to set up the umbrella. They act all manly and say,  “Oh, I can do it, let me help you there, miss.” What they don’t know is that even if we are skinny teenagers we do this all day. There is no one who can get one of those suckers in there like a Steen girl. Ron won’t let us let anyone help because he could get like, totally sued if one of them flew out of the sand and speared someone or something. So far I have not had one umbrella fly away on me but there have been windy days when I sat there sweating it waiting for one to lift off and whack some old lady.

Since you’re swinging your arms from side to side when you put up an umbrella everything else is swinging, too. The girls who have big boobs really put on a show. I swear every guy on the beach stops whatever he’s doing when my cousin Leigh sets up an umbrella. They all just drool. We know Ron hires cute girls on purpose. He thinks it drums up business, so its like an ego boost to even get hired. I don’t have that boob gene but most old guys will get a thrill from anyone who looks decent in a bikini and they always tip well.

Mr. Speedo in no exception. As much as I love being able to hide behind my own sunglasses it works the other way, too. My skin is crawling because who knows what he’s staring at behind his Ray-bans? He hands me a five and I scoot out of there as fast as I can with a dirty look from his wife. I wonder why she gives me a dirty look when it’s her nasty husband who’s the perv. At least he didn’t ask to take a picture with me. Sometimes people rent from me all week and want a picture with the family at the end of the vacation and that’s cool. But you can tell when some guy just wants a picture of you to take home and, I don’t know, jerk-off to or something insanely gross like that. The absolute worst are the ones that don’t even ask and try to sneak pictures of you when they think you aren’t looking. When that happens we call Ron on the pay phone and he comes and gives the guy what for. Ron likes his girls to be cute, but he doesn’t want us to be, like stuck up on the wall in some guy’s garage.

I head back to my stand and pull out the lunch Gammy made for me this morning. It’s always the same thing, peanut butter and jelly, a piece of fruit, and some Christmas cookies. I’ve been eating this same thing on this same beach for sixteen years now, and it still tastes good. Only now, It’s just me staying with Gammy and Boppy all summer. My older cousins are all renting their own places when they’re home from college, living in beach shacks with like ten other people and just working and partying. I cannot wait until I’m old enough for that, but for now I have a great set-up. I stay with Gammy and Boppy all summer and my parents and sister and brother only come down on the weekends. So I’m as much on my own as I can be for sixteen. I feel so bad for my friends from home who have to stick around boring-ass Laurel with the same boring-ass people and hope to get a job in the mall at the Gap or something. Down here I get to have a whole different life. And the best thing about it is a whole different set of guys.

There are guys everywhere down here. There are local guys and summer guys and weekend warriors and the guys who are only here for a week and then disappear forever. There are bartenders, waiters, and guys who work in the surf shops or clothes shops or sub-shops or french-fry and pizza places. Some of those guys are okay but the only ones I really care about are the lifeguards. Not just any lifeguards, the guys who work at the pools at the hotels don’t count. I mean the lifeguards on the beach, the Beach Patrol.

I would never admit this to anyone but I am obsessed with the Beach Patrol. They’re all so hot up there in those orange shorts that can make anyone’s butt look good. I love how the hair on their legs gets bleached by the sun, and the raccoon circles they get around their eyes from their sunglasses. When they smile their teeth look so white it their faces it about makes you go blind. They even look hot on rainy days when they wear sweatpants and jackets that say “BBP” in big blue letters on the back and you cant see anything but their tan feet and sunburned ears.

All the lifeguards have to be strong enough to pull drowning, flailing tourists out of a riptide, so they work out every weekday before signing on, no matter how hung over they are. When I was a kid I wanted to be a lifeguard, but now I think that’s too much work. Plus the couple of girls on the Beach Patrol have to wear these God awful one piece bathing suits give you the worst tan lines ever. I would rather be a Steen girl in a bikini watching the lifeguards that a lifeguard watching people swim.

The only problem I have is that most of the lifeguards are way older than me, like in their twenties. So it is hard for me to date any of them because I’m jail-bait, plus my cousin Leigh would be really mad at any of her friends for going out with me.  She still thinks of me as her little cousin. There are a couple that are my age and I have been dating this one guy, Scott, for most of the past couple summers. He’s really sweet and cute but I just can’t resist the older ones. Somehow he never finds out what I’m up to on the side, or if he does he does not say anything. Sometimes I’m afraid he will bust me and tell me to go to hell. I want to keep going out with him because he is really a great guy, plus I need a date to the Lifeguard Ball at the end of the summer, and he always carts me and my friends to all the parties.

The Beach Patrol has the best parties. They all live in these old shitty houses a few miles in-land where it’s cheap. It’s the perfect set-up for huge parties because there are no neighbors to complain and all the cops are busy in Bethany writing parking tickets. They have a bunch of kegs and everyone gets hammered and then they guys start doing crazy shit like hanging their balls out of the fly of their shorts, AKA “hanging sack”. So you’re standing their having a conversation with some cute guy and his balls are hanging out and you have to pretend you’re not noticing. Some of them get totally naked and just walk around, or sometimes they jump off the roof. It’s only a one story roof and everyone is so drunk that they just bounce off the ground but last year Leigh’s boyfriend actually did sprain his ankle and couldn’t work for a week.

I’m just in heaven at those parties, but I do have to make sure I don’t get too shitty drunk because of Connor. I love flirting with all the guys and Scott is so sweet but there is no one like Connor. I have been in love with him since I was fourteen and he was twenty. I mean really in love with him, not like some stupid teenage thing. Like if he asked me to marry him I would right now. It’s not even that he’s the hottest guy on the beach because he isn’t. He has bright green eyes and a beautiful smile, but he’s kind of chubby these days and is even a little shorter than me. But I don’t care. He’s crazy and fun and has a great laugh, but he also THINKS about things which no boys my age ever think about, like the meaning of life and all that shit. He talks to me and actually listens to what I am saying, or at least trying to say. And it’s not just me. He feels the same way I do, but like I said I’m jail bait and I would give anything to be two years older. So we meet up all the time in secret. He says when I’m eighteen we will really be together, but he also says I will forget all about him by then. But there is no way I could ever forget about him and I am crazy wanting him all the time, even though I’m dating Scott and kissing whoever else I feel like kissing and Connor dates all these girls his age. So I can’t drink too much when he’s around because I will either get all emotional and cry or get pissed at him, like at the Lifeguard Ball last year, when we got in a fight and I threw my drink in his face. My mom knows all about him. At first she was freaked out but I told her how he never pressures me to do anything, unlike the boys my own age who are on a mission to get some at all times. She says I’ve always been an old soul and Connor says I’m way more mature than most of the twenty-year-olds he goes out with. That makes me think I am destined for an older man.

Anyway, even with all that drama, I’m happier here at the beach during the summer that any other time. And it’s not just the partying and guys and all that. I love being at Gammy’s house during the week when it’s so quiet. When I was little I was only there with, like, my whole family, aunts and uncles and cousins and maybe Great Uncle Whoever thrown in. It was always loud and crowded and that was really fun and all but there is something about it when it’s just Gammy and Boppy and me. Gammy makes me breakfast every morning. An egg and toast. I mean, I have not had to eat Puffed Wheat one time! She thinks I’m great because I always wake up on time for work without even using an alarm clock even when I’m hung over. I help with the dishes and make my bed and all that without her reminding me.

When no one else is around we actually get to do things together, just the two of us. Back in the day when all my family was swarming all over the house I was just another kid to be shooed out of the way. But now it’s just me, and my grandmother is fun. On my last day off she dragged me out of my bed to the strawberry patch to get pick berries for her homemade jam. We spent the whole morning picking picking picking until my back was killing me and sweat was dripping in my eyes, but I couldn’t complain. She seemed fine and she’s almost eighty so how could I bitch about MY back? When we got home she showed me how to Blah Blah Blah about canning. Even though I usually hate anything to do with cooking I was stoked to see all those jars lined up in the cupboard and think that everyone would have yummy jam for their toast all summer.

She has tons of books and she is always getting more from the little town library she founded. Sometimes she’ll grab something extra for me, like a novel about Native Americans or the Civil War because she knows I love that kind of stuff. We sit on the front porch after dinner in those ancient white wicker chairs that are so uncomfortable. We just read and read until it’s too dark and the mosquitoes start biting. One night when we were sitting there I looked over at her hands holding her book. I noticed how similar they are to mine. I looked down at our bare feet. We have the same high arch and tiny short toes. The same as me, just a little worn out. And I thought about how everyone says I look so much like her, but with blond hair. I looked at her face and wondered, “Is that what I’ll look like when I’m old?”

I’d never thought about it before. I pictured Gammy zipping around on her bike and swimming in the ocean in her flowery bathing suit with the little skirt and throwing candy at little kids from the top of the library’s float in the Fourth of July parade. I can’t imagine being old, but I guess if I have to get there someday being like Gammy would not be so bad.

The very best time was when Gammy looked through the photo albums with me. She has all these photo albums filled with old black and white pictures. I mean, like really old from the eighteen hundreds, when everyone just glared at the camera and no one smiled. I love all kinds of old stuff. History is my favorite subject; I told you I’m an old soul right? All these pictures are kind of like little bits of history, and all the people are related to me. There are wedding photos and women with long dresses and tiny umbrellas and men in top hats and little teeny girls with hair bows as big as their heads. Gammy pointed out a tiny old woman in a black lace dress with a tall collar and told me, “That’s Grandma Brice. Your dad is named after her.”

She showed me pictures of her parents when they were engaged and they looked younger that me and so so so gorgeous. Then it’s Gammy and her sisters as tiny babies in long gowns with lace caps, and I realized little babies always look the same no matter how long ago. And then my favorites: the ones from the lakes up in New York where Gammy grew up.

Everyone smiles in those pictures. People swimming and sunning and sitting at long picnic tables eating from big baskets, because that was before coolers were invented. There’s one of Gammy when she was like ten, and she’s standing in the lake with her hands on her hips. Just grinning at the camera looking all cocky.  Then in the next one she’s about my age and she’s looking at the camera in a way that makes me think some cute guy must have been taking the picture. Gammy tells me those days at the lake made her convince Boppy to build the beach house here in Bethany, even when they couldn’t afford it. She didn’t buy a new pair of shoes for three years and the whole family survived on bologna sandwiches so we could all be together every summer down here, just like those times on the lake when she was a kid.

I got a pen and wrote all the names in the little margins on the side, so I will always know who all those people are when I look through the book. For some reason that choked Gammy up a little bit and she kissed me and told me how proud she is of me. I felt good to have her there with me, just me, and felt proud that she’s proud.

The next day she dragged me to church at the crack of dawn. I was so hung over and tired because I snuck out the night before that I was literally falling asleep in the pew; my head was nodding over. It was not a proud moment for either of us.

I’ve even spent some time with Boppy, and I don’t think I’ve even really had a conversation with him in my life. Gammy is so much, I don’t know, bigger than him or more alive or something, that sometimes I forget he’s there. When I come in he just kind of kisses me and says “Hey, darlin’” and goes back to whistling and humming whatever that tune is that he always whistles and hums. But the other day he noticed me reading a book about the Depression and got out a map and showed me how he hitchhiked from Illinois to California with his brother during the Dustbowl. It was the most I’ve ever heard him talk.

He makes me laugh the way he talks about Gammy. He calls her my bride. Like when he calls the library looking for her he says, “Hello, this is Ted, has anyone seen my bride?” The other morning I came downstairs for work early and they did not hear me on the stairs, you know, they’re old after all. Boppy has cataracts and Gammy was helping him with his eye drops. I watched him get down on his knees in front of her. He had to hold her hands to keep from tipping over. He rested his hand on her hip and she squeezed the drops into his eyes. He stayed there for a couple seconds, looking up at her, and I thought, that is how he asked her to marry him. She pulled him back up on his feet, and he patted her on the back and they just went on about their day. I’m glad they did not see me. I wonder what it feels like to love someone for so long.

A loud whistle blast brings me back and I notice the day has gotten dark and the water is glowing gray-green. A thunderstorm has come up quick like they do around here. The lifeguards are trying to clear the beach. They will help me scoop up all my umbrellas, because obviously the big metal frames on the things are like giant lightning rods. I pitch them all into the box without counting them or folding them. I can always come back later and straighten up. Right now I just want to get my ass of the beach. Some guy got struck a couple weeks ago down in Ocean City and I’ll be damned if I’m joining him just to make sure Ron Steen is not missing any rafts or chairs or freakin’ boogie boards. I’ll buy him a new one at the 5&10 if something is missing. I haul ass out of there but the guards have a time convincing the tourists to leave. They paid for their week at the beach and they are going to get their money’s worth even if it means getting fried.

I grab my bag and head over the dune. I’m feeling good because now I’m off work early, and maybe I can head up by the guardhouse and see if I run into Connor. We can get an ice cream cone and laugh about Mr. Speedo. It’s Friday and I’m sure something will be going on tonight because the guards don’t have to work out tomorrow morning. I guess if there is a party I will go with Scott and Connor will show up with whatever chick he’s hanging out with at the moment. I wonder if we’ll fight or maybe sneak away for a while or maybe it will be one of those nights where we just kind of say, “Hi” and chat for a second and move on. Suddenly my stomach feels a little like the ocean, all mixed up and choppy. For a second I think about my grandparents again and I wonder, what is it like to love someone like that, so peacefully? Have they always been like that? Is a pat on the back happily ever after?

 

Summer Memories Part III

Today I like: Chasing Fireflies. Cutest kids clothes ever
Not So Much: Wearing my glasses

As the packing madness continues over here, it’s time for episode three in my summer memories series. This one is harder: age thirteen. Possibly the most awkward year of my life! Really, it was that bad. Also a difficult time to capture…trapped between childhood and what I (at the time) fancied to be a much more grown-up version of myself.

The Rules

Gammy has lots of rules. When you have been living with them your whole life you get used to them. They’re just what you do at the beach. It’s when you try to explain them to someone else that they seem really weird.  Since I’m thirteen now I’m allowed to have friends from home stay sometimes for the weekend. It’s the best because we’re allowed to walk up to the boardwalk in the center of town by ourselves at night with NO PARENTS. Sometimes we go in the shops or the arcade but mostly we just sit up on the boardwalk and see if we can meet any cute boys. There are boys from all over, places like Pennsylvania and Dover and sometimes even New York. (We stay away from the local boys because they’re weird. They all have names like Chuck and Larry and live in trailers. Dad says they come from a small gene pool.) So anyway, all my friends want to come down. But I have to fill them in on the rules first.

Most of the rules have to do with food. Since Gammy grew up in the Depression, they like, never had anything to eat. So she is really freaked out about what, when and how much everyone eats.  Major Rule Number One: you can never go into the fridge without asking. If you do peek you can’t even tell what is in there because there are like a million plastic bags and tupperware containers with tiny bits of food in them, since Gammy never throws anything away. If someone burns some toast at breakfast, even if it’s like totally black, she’ll eat it and say, “This is just the way I like it.” I guess anything tastes okay if you slap enough butter on it.

My mom told me one time before I was born she got really hungry in the middle of the night. Everyone was sleeping so she snuck downstairs. She found this one chicken wing wrapped up in tin foil in the back of the fridge. She thought no one would ever miss it, right? So she ate it like as fast as she could and even stuffed the bag way down in the bottom of the trashcan to like, get rid of the evidence. But the next day she was almost totally busted. My great-grandma Mimi opened the the fridge and the first thing she said was, “Who ate my chicken wing?”

Mom acted all innocent but she never tried that again. “I’d rather starve,” she said.

So speaking of toast, breakfast is served at exactly 8:ooam every morning. By that time Gammy has rode her bike to Mass and to get the paper. She is not going to wait for anyone to sleep in, so if you want to eat you better be up. Breakfast on most days is Puffed Wheat cereal, which is pretty gross, but on Sundays she goes all out. After implementing Major Rule Number Two (everyone must attend Mass on Sunday even if you haven’t been since your own Baptism), Gammy makes a real Sunday breakfast: pancakes, bacon, and some country sausage that totally makes your mouth water. The weird thing is, it’s kind of like mini-breakfast. The pancakes are like little sand dollars, and the each slice of bacon or piece of sausage is cut into eensy weensy bits. Gammy fills up a bunch of these little orange juice glasses right up to the rim so you have to balance like a tight-rope walker to get to your seat without spilling it all over the floor. Watch out if that happens. You’re out of luck. No more for you.

At every meal, breakfast, lunch and dinner, you better know she is watching everyone. She wants to see who takes food first, who takes the biggest piece of meat, who takes the last bit of anything and who leaves anything on their plate. You never know if you are making her happy by eating a lot and showing her you like it or making her mad because you’re a selfish pig who does not leave enough for everyone else. My sister Mary drives Gammy crazy because even though she is almost the youngest she has no shame. She picks through all the chicken at dinner and takes the biggest piece for herself. She eats five ears of corn even if there are twenty people eating. I can see Mom watching Gammy watching Mary and Mom is sweating. Mom always tries to tell Mary, “Other people have to eat.”

Mary could not care less. She takes what she wants. She is a brave kid.

Major Rule Number Three is everyone must be on the beach from 9am-5pm. Even when we were little babies we had to stay out there all day and take naps right under the umbrella. Mom would wrap whichever baby was sleepy in a towel and walk up and down the beach until the baby konked out. Then she would stick the towel baby bundle on a blanket in the shade. The funny thing is, Mom says that even with all the kids running around screaming, and the parents screaming at the kids and even the seagulls screaming, those babies would just snooze away under there. Gammy says they used to put a bit of whiskey in the baby bottles in her day but I don’t think my mom would have gone for that. Maybe it was the ocean air or something, who knows.

Most of my friends are freaked out then they hear you can’t even go up to the house to pee. You have to do it in the ocean. My grandfather Boppy says, “There’s a lot of water in there. A little more won’t hurt.”

The only time you can go up to the house is for number two. Even then you can’t go up to the main part of the house. You have to use the teeny little bathroom in the basement where the window is so low I’m afraid someone will walk by and catch a glimpse of me scrunched in there on the toilet. I try to hide behind Gammy’s flowery bathing suits and straw hats hanging on hooks next to the toilet like a fashion spread from the old lady section of the Sears catalog. It smells like old sunscreen and worn-out air freshener in there.

It sucks, but I guess I don’t blame Gammy for sending us all out of the house all day. I mean, we’re all like, really loud and there are a lot of us so I would probably send us out all day too. But it would be nice to be able to use the big bathroom instead of picking between the ocean and hiding behind all that polyester.

Major Rule Number Three that is just for us teenagers (sometimes I still can’t believe I’m a real teenager now!) is DO NOT BE LATE. Since I’m thirteen I have to be in by 10pm. It takes me and my friends a while to get ready to go out because we have to do our hair and makeup and pick out a good outfit. We like to be kind of the same, but kind of different, you know? Like if my friend Allison is all dressed up in a dress I don’t want to look like a slob in shorts. Last time she was down we both wore jeans with surfing tee shirts. She wore Quicksilver and I wore Body Glove. We both roll up our pants legs and tee-shirt sleeves, but I have these really cool ankle bracelets that I made myself. We help each other with our hair and makeup. She uses blue mascara but I like green better. So we are kind of alike but kind of different, see what I mean? Oh, and neither of us wear shoes because no one up on the boardwalk wears shoes. Our feet get so black from walking on the street that it doesn’t matter how much we scrub them. They stay black pretty much all summer.

So anyway, being home at ten is no biggie, because we’re up in town before dark and have plenty of time to walk around. Like I said before we’re mostly up there to meet boys. Sometimes it takes a while to meet them because they just keep walking past us a million times. It can even take a couple of nights before they actually say anything. I don’t like to be the first to say “hi” because I never really know what to say. Besides isn’t the boy supposed to say “hi” first?

That’s another reason I like to have Allison come stay. She always knows what to say. Mom says she’s a flirt. She gets all glare-y when she says that, like it’s a bad thing. But I’m totally jealous because I suck at flirting. Maybe if I watch Allison long enough I’ll learn how she does it, or maybe she’ll just get enough cute boys around us that there will be a few extras who don’t care if I never say anything.

Sometimes when I don’t know what to say it’s good to have an ice cream. I try to think of something while I’m eating and it seems like I’m just really into my Rocky Road. I used to get cones but you look like such a dork slurping away on an ice cream cone that now I get it in a cup instead. A few times my friends and I have walked down on the beach with the boys we met. I even kissed this boy from Boston earlier this summer. I still have not gone under the boardwalk with any boys. I remember what my older cousins used to do under there. I drank a beer once with Leigh so I’m not worried about that. It doesn’t even taste good, and maybe I could just dump it in the sand and no one would know. But I am scared some guy will want me to suck on his neck or something.

We usually have to book it home a few minutes before ten. It’s no fun with no shoes running down the street stepping on all kinds of rocks and thistles and beer caps. The beach is not much better because of all the fiddler crabs waiting to pinch your toes and holes dug by little kids that can break your ankle. The sand gets freezing cold and the tide comes in and that’s freezing, too. It soaks the legs of my jeans and they get all stiff and salty where I rolled them up. Then Gammy gets annoyed because she has to wash them and that’s a waste of water.

It’s worth breaking an ankle to be on time. Gammy told me that if I’m late I’ll have to go to town with my dad and the younger kids. I’d rather stay home then go up there with them. My dad is way too embarrassing the way he whistles so loud and has to talk to like every person we pass, even if he doesn’t even know any of them. The grown-ups in my family are all still awake when we get home so there’s no sneaking in. I know Leigh and my other cousins sneak out after everyone finally goes to sleep but I’m too much of a chicken for that. Maybe next year I’ll try it, but most thirteen-year-olds aren’t allowed to go out at night by themselves and hang out with boys from who knows where. I’m not going to screw myself by being late or sneaking out.

So, after I fill my friends in on the big rules I have to fill them in on the little ones. First, always make your bed as soon and you get out of it. Then, any time you come into the house from the beach or town you better rinse your feet off outside in the shower stall. Gammy has the only beach house in the world with no sand in it because no one would dare come inside without making sure every speck of sand is washed off. Next, make sure you hang your towel on the line after your shower. And speaking of showers, there are lots of rules about them too. First of all, you have to shower outside. Only Gammy and Boppy are allowed to shower inside. It’s something about the sand in the drains, I think.

Since there are usually like twenty people at the house you’re only allowed to be in the shower for about two minutes, because if not there won’t be any hot water left. I always try to get up to the shower first. If you wait around you have to stand there forever looking at everyone else’s feet under the wall and thinking about how you might as well go rinse off with the old ice water from the beer cooler. Sometimes one of us will yell out, “I call first shower!” but only when Gammy is not around. I think this annoys her because it shows her how selfish we all are, just like when you take the biggest pork chop.

I guess the last rule is that you never talk back to Gammy or even disagree with her. We do exactly what she says and do it pleasantly even if when our own parents ask us to do the same thing we roll our eyes and say, “Whatever.” But I don’t have to tell my friends that rule. They all feel lucky to be asked to come stay so they are really, really polite. Plus I think when they meet Gammy they can just tell she is someone you have to listen to, even if she is not saying anything at all.

 

 

 

Summer Memories Part II

Today I like: Solitude in hotel
Not so much: Fear of bedbugs in hotel

Here’s the next installment of my summer memories series. This one is a bit longer, because, as the title says, we packed a lot into a day at my grandmother’s beach house. I’ve aged. A whopping ten years old now! Do you think I kept a handle on my childish voice while maturing the narration? If not, well, be easy on me. :)

A Long Day

I always wake up early at Gammy’s house, but I like to lie in the bed for a while. I listen to my cousins and my sister and brother sleeping around me. The windows are open and I think that the sound of them breathing is like the ocean, in and out, in and out, in and out. It’s a nice sound but even that can’t keep me still for long. I stick my legs straight up and push hard on the lump above me, my cousin Matt sleeping in the top bunk. The bunk beds are so old that the top mattress sags like a hammock. My dad and my uncles slept in these bunk beds about a million years ago and I bet they were sagging even then.  I remember when I could not reach that far but now I’m ten, which is the first age with two numbers, 1-0. My legs have grown a lot and I can give him a really good kick. He yells, “Quit it!” and throws a pillow over the edge of his bed but it misses me and lands on the blue and green shag carpet.

Everyone else groans and rolls around, especially my older cousins, Teddy and Jason. They’re both tired because they stay out super late at night. Sometimes the rest of stay up until they get home so they can tell us about all the bad things they’ve been doing, like drinking beer under the boardwalk and stealing change from the parking meters. But usually we’re asleep when they get home and they’re asleep when we wake up so all I ever see of them these days is their shaggy hair sticking out from under the covers. That’s okay with me because sometimes they scare me a little bit. I hear Gammy and Mom talking all the time about how they are delinquents. I’m not sure exactly what that means but I know it has to do with the parking meters and the beer and something about the weeds. I thought Boppy always took care of the garden but Gammy said that Teddy and Jason are smoking the dirty weed all the time so maybe they’re helping out. It seems like Gammy should be happy they’re helping but I can tell she is angry so I avoid them. They’re so old they don’t want to play with us anymore anyway.

Jason yells, “Shut up, some of us are trying to sleep!” and pulls his pillow over his head. I peek across the room at Mary and she is awake too. Matt is also awake since I kicked him so the three of us go downstairs. We have to pick our way around the bunk beds. That’s one of the best things about Gammy’s house, all of us cousins get to sleep in the same room, so it is never scary. If a vampire or a ghost or a werewolf came into the room someone would probably wake up, or at least you have a good chance the monster would eat someone else.

None of our parents are awake yet because they all stay up late sitting on the porch drinking and talking and laughing. We open up the hall closet, where Gammy keeps some toys and books for us. All the toys are as old as the bunk beds, from when dad and my uncles where little. Some of the toys seem pretty silly, like the wind-up apple that swallows pennies and spits them back out at you, but the books are great. There are little kid books like Where the Wild Things Are and Harry the Dirty Dog that I like to read to my baby brother, and also some bigger kid books like the Hardy Boys and even some Nancy Drew. I read while Mary and Matt play with old GI Joe’s and a tank.

Soon Gammy comes in and says “Good morning, Darlings!” and we say “Good morning!” back to her. She’s carrying the paper and has on one of her church outfits, white pedal pusher pants with a shirt with big purple flowers all over it and nice sandals. She can’t wear dresses to church on Saturday because she rides her bike. It’s not good for old ladies to ride bikes with their dresses flying up for all the world to see. When we drive over together to St. Ann’s for Mass on Sunday we all look fancy, but I think that no matter how fancy we look the priest knows that all my uncles are trying not to fall asleep because they stayed up so late the night before. The priest says “The BODY of Christ, the BODY of Christ,” so loud that at least it keeps them awake during Communion. My uncles whisper, “Hair of the dog,” when they go up to get the wine. I know it’s probably not right to make jokes at Communion but what can I say to them? I am only ten.

I’m glad today is Saturday and not Sunday so only Gammy goes to church, like she does every day. She pours our cereal in plastic bowls and calls up the stairs that it’s breakfast time, come and get it. People start appearing out of the different bedrooms, yawning and stretching and rubbing their eyes.  The grown-ups slurp coffee and smoke cigarettes and stare into space waiting for the coffee to wake them up. I do not know how grown-ups can drink coffee and smoke cigarettes when it’s already so hot outside. I sweat just looking at them with all that extra hotness.

Jason and Teddy are the only ones still sleeping and Gammy yells to them, “Eat now or forever hold your peace!”

One of them yells back, “We’re still sleeping!”

Gammy scowls and says, “Let them go hungry.”

Teddy stays in bed but Jason finally comes out with puffy eyes and a towel wrapped around his neck. Jason does all kids of weird things these days but the towel is weird even for him. Gammy says, “Take that towel off your neck at the table.”

Jason says, “No.”

Matt and Mary and I stop eating our cereal and look at each other over our bowls. Gammy turns and just stares at Jason.

Jason says again, “No,” but his head sinks a little deeper into his towel, so it looks like the towel is trying to swallow him.

Gammy walks to him and whispers something in his ear that no one else can hear. We all watch, even the other grown ups have noticed something is happening. Jason pulls the towel off his neck and I stare some more. I wonder if he ran into some bad jelly fish in the ocean because he has lots of big red and purple bruises all over his neck. My Uncle Dave makes a funny coughing noise in his throat and my dad says, “Way to go, Jay.”

Gammy sniffs loudly and pours his cereal, and he hunkers over it, scarfs it down in about two seconds and leaves the table. Later I will tell my cousin Leigh about Jason and the jellyfish and she will sigh. She tells me those marks aren’t stings, they’re hickies.

“What are hickies?”

“Its means some girl was sucking on his neck really hard.”

This does not make any sense to me but Leigh is thirteen so I believe her.

After Jason disappears, my dad goes back to puffing away and looking at the sports page. “Dad,” I say, “We have to plug in.”

He keeps reading.

“Dad, come on, we have to plug in,” and he still keeps reading. “DAAAD!”

“WHAT?” He glares at me over his glasses.

“We have to go plug in the umbrella.”

“Okay, Okay, Okay. Y’all are a bunch of slave drivers.” He snuffs out his cigarette in the big clamshell ashtray and pushes back his chair.

We scramble to grab our bathing suits while our dads gather all the stuff we need for the day: umbrella, beach chairs, bag of beach toys, towels, boogie boards, cooler of beer. Everyone has to carry their own towel around their neck and something else. I grab one of the boogie boards because it is easy to sling over your shoulder as you walk over the dune. The lifeguards are still setting up so it is not quite nine o’clock. We always have to get out early because we have a special spot where the Alexanders have always sat since the days when there were only three houses on Fourth Street. If we don’t get there early some tourists who don’t know better might take it.

We spread out our stuff so that we will have plenty of space, because there is nothing worse than when someone comes and sets up right on top of you and blocks your view. Of course all the families we know that have old house know this is rude. They also know it’s rude to kick sand on people as you walk by, or shake out your towel so the sand flies all over everyone’s stuff, or feed the seagulls so they swarm around trying to steal everyone’s food and pooping everywhere. There are all kinds of ways to be rude at the beach. My mom and Gammy have been teaching me about them forever.

Once we’re set up I hear the lifeguards blow the long whistle that means they’re watching us. All us kids sprint to the water. It’s freezing and I gasp when it hits my legs but I don’t care. I run straight through the surf and dive through the next wave. When I was small I was afraid of the ocean. I would stand on the sand with Gammy and cry anytime my parents went swimming. I don’t know why I was ever scared because now I think the ocean is the greatest place on earth. It’s much better than a pool because it is always moving and changing. I ride the waves up and down. I practice my summersaults and back flips. I pretend I’m a mermaid or a dolphin, or maybe a shipwreck victim floating on a piece of my sunken ship, which is really my boogie board. I can even dive under the biggest waves after they crash and the water is rolling and churning like it’s boiling in a pot. My cousins taught me to swim down to the bottom to get below the chop. I swim straight and stiff like a board until it passes.

We splash each other and play keep away with an old football, and everyone tries to dunk everyone else. I scream when my cousins swim under the water and grab my legs, because even though I know it’s one of them it could also be a shark. We yell to my dad and my two uncles, “Come in, come in!”

They yell back, “We’re not hot enough yet!”

Another thing I don’t understand about grown-ups is why they have to be a certain hotness to get in the water. It’s always hot at the beach. The water is way more fun than sitting sitting sitting on your butt in a beach chair.

Finally we see Dad and my two uncles walking towards the water. They dive in over the surf and start racing each other along the waves. My dad and my uncles are the best body surfers on our beach. Even my grandfather Boppy is still good at it even though he is really old. The most most most fun thing to do in the ocean is climb on Dad’s back and hold onto his shoulders. We ride the waves in, like Dad is a giant boogie board. Dad stands and waits for the perfect wave. I cling to his back like a baby monkey.  The waves come in rows and they look huge to me. Dad waits and waits and waits until I am sure the wave will crash on our heads. He says, “Hold on tight.”

I take a huge breath. The wave picks us up and throws us forward, like a baseball shooting out of a pitching machine. My head sticks up out of the water and I laugh as we bounce along on top of the wave, all the way in to the shore. Dad finally lifts his face out of the water and I wonder how he can hold his breath that long. He says, “Whoo-whee!”

I give him the high-five. My dad is really cool sometimes.

We’ve been in the water so long that my teeth start to chatter and my fingers and toes are all pruny. Mom comes and stands at the shore and yells, “It’s almost lunchtime and you’re frozen. Dry off and have some lemonade.”

We sit wrapped in towels and drink lemonade while Mom walks up to the house to help Gammy with the sandwiches. Gammy and Boppy never come down to the beach until lunchtime, because Mom says they spend the whole morning putzing around the house. Gammy reads and plans dinner and Boppy fixes things and works in his garden. I think they need a break from all of us for a few hours.

Mom and Gammy drag the lunch cooler over the dune. Dad and Uncle Dave meet them and carry it the rest of the way. They set the cooler under the umbrella in the shade and wait for Gammy to open it. She passes out the sandwiches to us kids sitting on boogie boards. Most of my family eats toasted tomato sandwiches, which is toast with a piece of tomato and mayonnaise. I think toasted tomato is gross so I have peanut butter and jelly on Wonder Bread, which is cool because we always eat wheat bread at home. Even though I like smooth peanut butter I don’t mind when my sandwich is a little crunchy with sand. We also eat peaches from the produce stands and drink more lemonade. The grown-ups drink cans of beer, but they hide them in koozies because it’s against the rules to drink beer on the beach. Then Gammy pulls out our dessert: little Christmas cookies with red and green sugar all over them. She buys bags and bags of them on sale after Christmas. We sit on the beach all summer and munch little Santas and snowmen and trees and bells. We say “Ho, ho, ho,” and sing Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

After lunch I’m tired. I like to sit on Mom’s lap while she talks to Gammy. They talk about books and the news and what the Pope said lately about this and that, but they also talk about whoever in the family is not down that weekend. I hear all kinds of interesting stuff. Just this summer Mom and Gammy were talking about my Uncle Kelly bringing his boyfriend to visit. It seemed weird to me that he would have a boyfriend since he is a boy himself, so I asked my cousin Leigh about it.

“He’s gay,” she said.

“Oh,” I said. “What’s gay?”

She said, “It means he like to kiss other boys instead of girls.”

Leigh has learned a lot of stuff since she was ten like me.

Anyway, when I’m tired and I sit on Mom’s lap I wrap a towel all around my head so no one can see me. Sometimes I sleep for a while listening to the waves and the seagulls squawking, even though I am way too old to take a nap. With me sitting on Mom she finally gets hot enough to swim. I run and dive in to get the cold over fast, but Mom takes forever. Inch by inch. She complains about how this water is Fuh-reezing until we all gang up on her and splash her until she is soaked anyway. We swim for a while longer but I’m finally getting bored with swimming so I climb out and make a huge drip castle. Then I dig a wading pool for Brice and dig for sand crabs with Mary. I help Dad and my uncles build a wall and a moat in front of our umbrella to block the tide as it comes in. I play paddleball with Matt and Sam, and then we take turns burying each other in the sand. The sand is cool and heavy all over me but it starts to get itchy. I burst out and run to the ocean to rinse off.

By now I have enough sand in my bathing suit to fill a couple buckets. When I sit down I can feel it in the crotch liner of my suit like a little log. No matter how much I try I can’t rinse it out. I whine to mom that it’s bothering me and is it time to go back to the house yet? Mom tells me not for another hour. I’m cranky so I sit by myself. I write my name in the sand and make little tracks and tunnels for the toy cars. Somewhere there’s a dead horseshoe crab stinking everything up. I wish it would wash out to sea.

I hear the lifeguards blast their long whistle, and that means we can go back to the house. But now I don’t want to. They leave their lifeguard chair and all the kids run to climb all over it. We pile up sand underneath and jump off. I love to sit up there because you can see everything, and I think I’d like to be a lifeguard some day and whistle all day long at tourists who swim too close to the jetties.

Mom calls to us that its time to go home. Everyone grabs something and drags it back up over the dune to Boppy’s little beach shed with the spinning duck on top. We sit around outside waiting to shower. Its such a nice feeling to pull off my wet sandy bathing suit and wrap up in a fluffy towel that has been flapping in the sun on the outside line. I run up to the bunkroom and dress as fast as I can before my boy cousins come up there. I run a brush through my hair and by the time I get downstairs I just have time to play tag for a while before Boppy whistles us in for dinner.

Tonight we’re having barbequed chicken and corn on the cob and sliced tomatoes, my favorite summer dinner. Everyone sits at the same table. Not like at my other grandmother’s house where the kids and the grown-ups have their own tables. At Gammy’s we squeeze together, so you has to keep your elbows in and sit up straight so you don’t knock over the beer of the person sitting next to you. No one wants to sit beside my Uncle John, because he is left-handed and his jabbing elbows are famous in our family.

There’s lots of food and its really good so everyone eats and eats and does not say much for once. All us kids eat really fast because we’re ready to go into town. Every single night we walk up to town to get ice cream. Usually Dad and Uncle Dave and Uncle Ted take us. Mom stays home to help Gammy with the dishes. But tonight Gammy says to Mom, “Go ahead, I’ve got it.”

I’m double happy because my mom is coming, too. The kids shout and skip and race from one stop sign to the next. The parents walk behind us sipping beers in koozies and smoking cigarettes. It’s a long way up to town, like almost a mile. We walk along the road until we reach the boardwalk, where we run ahead until Mom calls, “Wait for us old folks!”

We stop and I run my hands along the railing. I’m careful because it looks smooth, but it can give you a splinter the size of a tree branch. When my parents catch up to us I skip some more. I lift my feet really high. Last summer a big storm knocked down the boardwalk. Since it was rebuilt nails stick up every few boards. They can trip a kid that is not watching where she is skipping. I have been walking this boardwalk my whole life. I know all its tricks.

We reach the end of the boardwalk and my cousin Leigh says to me, “Look, there’s Jason!”

I see my older cousin standing by the railing talking to some other teenagers, most of then girls. He flips his hair back and laughs and lights a cigarette, and I know he is trying to look cool. I don’t say hi because he would just pretend not too see us, because saying hi to your little cousins is not very cool, I guess. It’s too bad because he used to be fun.

We head toward the Bethany Beach Old-Fashioned Ice Cream Parlour.  The line is already out the door but it moves fast. Everyone always get the same thing. All the kids get rainbow ice cream on a cone. Mom gets a root beer float (yuck!) and Dad gets a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. Both my uncles get butter pecan. We eat our ice cream at tables with high-backed fancy chairs and look at the old Coke ads on the wall with the big clunky cars and people wearing olden-days bathing suits. The girls in the posters have pink cheeks and tiny noses and I think my nose is already way bigger than that. I bet it will only get bigger. You’ll never see me and my nose in a Coke ad.

It’s dark by the time we start walking back and I’m so tired I can hardly move. Dad sticks me up on his shoulders, even thought I’m too big for that. I watch the end of his cigarette glow in the dark. Its looks like a Fourth of July sparkler flickering back and forth. I can’t stop staring at it, even if it smells awful. I don’t talk much. I just hold on and try not to get burned.

Suddenly we’re home. I drag my butt up the stairs and pull on my pajamas, and I don’t even care if my boy cousins are in the room. Leigh says, “Do you want to wait for Jason and Teddy?”

I say, “Sure.” I want to sound like I’m not tired but I know I’ll never make it. I go downstairs and kiss everyone goodnight. All the grown-ups are sitting on the porch. Dad has his guitar and Boppy has his little piano keyboard. My mom comes upstairs and tucks in all of us cousins. She kisses us all goodnight, which makes me proud because she is everyone’s favorite aunt. My cousins would rather have her that their own moms. We sleep with our heads towards the window to catch some of the breeze. Leigh is talking about something and I know I say, “Yeah,” but I’m not really hearing her. I’m listening to the sounds floating up from downstairs. Women’s laughter and men’s music. It’s been a long day.

 

In Which I Wax Nostalgic: Summer Memories Part I

Today I like: Moving back to Charleston!
Not so much: Packing for move to Charleston!

I’m doing something different today. In my pre-move purging I discovered a series of essays I wrote about six years ago. They all focus on my memories of summers at my Grandmother’s house in Bethany Beach, Delaware. Since I’m swamped with packing, and it is beach season, I thought I’d post them here.

From a writing standpoint, voice plays a big role in these essays. I remember really enjoying getting back into the voice of my childhood self in these little reminiscences. It’s fun (and a great exercise!) for a writer to explore difference ages in voice. Hopefully I caught some of age seven in this one. Enjoy!

The Drive

It’s too hot to move or bother each other or even talk so Mary and I just sit on the front steps and wait. I think about Dad’s new car. It’s light blue and about a hundred feet long. And it’s a diesel, whatever that means, but all I care about is the air-conditioning. Mom won’t run it in the house because it’s too expensive so we all just about boil in there. But on the drive to Gammy’s beach house we will blast the AC. Last summer, before Dad started working for Uncle Dave, we still had the old station wagon with no AC and we had to drive the whole way with the windows down. It was so loud I could not hear the radio or Mom and Dad talking about all the funny things my Dad and my uncles have been doing. I could not even hear myself when we all started singing like we usually do. All except Dad. He never sings with us even when Mom says, “Why won’t you sing? You are the singer in this family!”

Oh, thank goodness, here he is. My Dad gets out of the car and we jump down the steps to meet him. We forget it’s a hundred million degrees for a minute. He has a brown paper bag and Mary, who is only four, yells, “Daddy! Daddy, is there ice cream for us in there?” But I am seven and I know that its not ice cream, it never is. It’s always a six-pack of Coors Light. Dad brings one home every night. He stops at Louie Louie’s liquor store on the way home for smokes and beer. I used to look in there, too, but now I know better since I am seven.

Dad says, “Hey babies, are we ready to get on the road?”

“Almost!” I say, and we run upstairs to get our gray plastic suitcase with latches on the side. It’s old and crooked, so Mary stands on it to mash it closed while I flip the latches.

Then I drag it down the stairs and Mom says, “Leave it there, honey, your Dad will get it.” And I do because I know Dad likes to pack the trunk just so.

Dad yells, “Let’s haul ass! There will be a back-up at the bridge!”

Mom grabs my brother, little Brice, who is one, and her purse. Mary and I get to the car first. We push and shove over who gets to sit behind Mom. Dad is so tall your legs get squished the whole ride if you sit behind him, plus his cigarette smoke flies back in your face and makes you want to puke.

Mom says, “Steph gets to sit behind me. She’s taller.”

And Mary says, “She always gets to sit behind you. I want a turn!”

“When you are the tallest you can sit there,” says Mom.

I laugh and Mary says, “Hmmmph.” Because we both know she will never be the tallest.

I sink into the plush seats, and it’s like sitting on a giant powder blue marshmallow. Much better than the seats in the station wagon that were so hot you’d burn your butt and then sweat and stick to the seat. All of us Alexanders, just a bunch of flies on tape. This car even has a tape player. We’ve been listening to Michael Jackson all summer long and now I know all the words. I hope Mom and Dad will pop that in but they want to listen to Steve Winwood sing about a diver. When I ask what he is talking about Mom says, “This is grown up music, honey, you would not understand.”  I like Michael Jackson better because I understand all about Michael and his girlfriend running from the horrible dead people. I think about them a lot at night when I can’t sleep.

We pull out of our driveway and everything is great. Brice sits in his car seat between Mary and I. He eats cheerios and drools, which is what he is best at. We call him the Drool Bomb Baby because if you hold him up in the air and say “You’re so cute” or “Goo goo goo,” or one of those things people are always saying to babies, he will smile and drop a drool bomb right on your face. We think it’s funny but my great grandma Mimi thinks it’s gross. She says babies did not drool like that in her day and is there something wrong with him? She made my Mom so nervous that Mom asked Dr. Ortega about it. He told her it’s nothing, just his teeth coming in and babies have always drooled. So maybe Mimi is not so smart as she thinks, or maybe she is so old she can’t remember if her babies drooled.

Once we get on the highway I start thinking about what a long drive it is. It is almost three hours to Gammy’s house and that is one hundred and fifty miles. I know we just left but it already seems like a long time. So I ask my Dad, “How many more miles?” and he tells me about a hundred and forty. Ugh, that is forever. I hope we can stop at McDonald’s like we sometimes do but as we pass it Mom says, before I even ask, “Gammy is making spaghetti so we will eat when we get there.”

Oh well, if I can’t have McDonald’s spaghetti is pretty good too. After a long long time we finally get to the Bay Bridge. It’s huge and miles long and we love to look out the windows at all the tiny sailboats like ducks bobbing in the bay. Dad scares Mom because he spends the whole time looking out the window and pointing at boats and birds and whitecaps and not looking where he is going. Mom grabs the door handle and pushes her feet against the floor and says, “Good lord, Brice, watch the road.”

And Dad says, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve been over this bridge fifty eleven times, right?”

We say “Yeah!” because Dad is thirty-two and he has been going to Bethany Beach since before he was born so that is a lot of trips over the Bay Bridge.

Once we are over the bridge I ask again, “How many more miles?” and Dad says about a hundred and ten and I sigh. But now the scenery is at least more interesting. The roads are small and there are lots of farms and towns with only one gas station. When we pass the cow farms Dad rolls down the window and sticks his head out and yells, “MOOOOOO!” and we all yell “MOOOOO!” too. Then we pass the chicken farms and they smell so bad we all hide our noses in our shirts. The chicken farms are the worst. Even worse that passing a skunk hit on the road. “Chickens linger,” says my Mom.

We also pass by abandoned houses which we call Monster Houses. When I was smaller I was scared of them. When Dad would say “There’s a Monster House!” I would hide my eyes. But now I like to look at the old houses. I wonder who used to live there and where they went and why they would just leave their house and all their things to be ruined. I tell Mary to look if there is an old bike or tire swing in front of the Monster Houses but she does not want to look. She is four and still scared. Brice is too little to care. He just waves his arms and drools.

Mary has to pee so we pull over next to a field of cows. Mom wants us all to go so we don’t have to stop again. I squat behind the car door so no one can see me. It’s hard to concentrate on not falling over in the grass or peeing on your underwear. Boys have it way easier. Dad just stands there and goes and says “MOOOOO!” to the cows that are watching us while they chew and chew and chew. I’m happy that I don’t pee on myself. I say a big “MOOOOO!” and climb in my seat. When we start moving again I say, “How many more miles?”

“I don’t know. About eighty. Don’t ask me again until we get to Coastal Highway.”

Now I ask Mom to sing something and she starts out:

Buffalo gals wont you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight,

Buffalo gals wont you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon,

 

And Mary and I join in

Dance with the dolly with the holes in her stocking and her knees kept a knocking

And her toes kept a rocking

Dance with the dolly with the holes in her stocking and she dance by the light of the moon

 

Mary and I just crack up because we think that song is a hoot. We sing it a bunch of times until Dad says, “Please. Please, something else.”

Mom says, “Why don’t you sing? You’re the singer in this family!”

Dad says, “I leave the singing to you and Mick Jagger.” We all know my Mom does not have a very good voice but she loves to sing so we all let her. We sing really loud so we drown her out a little.

We sing Sweet Baby James and lots of Beatles songs and that finally gets us to Coastal Highway. I ask Dad how many more miles. About thirty. We see all the familiar sights like the Sea-Esta Motel and old World War towers that sit on the dunes where the soldiers used to watch for submarines. Then there is the liquor store up on the right and I hold my breath. Maybe Dad won’t see it and we can just keep going. But he pulls over like usual. He has already drunk his six-pack so he needs more.  I say,  “Come on, Daddy, let’s go, we are almost there!” and Mom says, “There will be plenty of beer at the house.” But Dad always goes anyway and we all sit there about to jump out of our skins from sitting in the car for so long.

Finally he comes out and we’re on our way again. We leave the windows open but now I don’t mind. The air is has a fresh salty smell. It blows my hair back from my face as I stick my nose right out the window. We drive along the little string of land between the ocean and the bay. I feel very small stuck between all that water but also safe because we are heading to my Gammy’s house. It was one of the only ones that survived the big Northeaster about twenty years ago that knocked lots of houses in Bethany right off their stilts and into the ocean.

I ask “How many more miles?” even though I know we are almost there and Dad just ignores me because he knows I know. We pull over the Indian River Inlet bridge and Mary and I scream, “We’re here!”

Gammy’s house is the biggest on the street but it is tan like the sand and blends in so well with the dunes you might miss it if you didn’t know it was there. It’s not dark yet and I can see that my cousins are already here. Dad honk honk honks and squeezes his car in between Uncle Dave’s Cadillac and Uncle Ted’s big van, the one with the refrigerator in it.  Before the car is even stopped I open the door and scoot out. Mom says, “Good lord, don’t ding the car door!” but I am skinny so I can squeeze.

I don’t have shoes on so I have to walk carefully over the gravel driveway, and then up the wooden stairs where Gammy’s teacup roses peek through the slats with their sneaky thorns. I rip open the screen door. Boppy painted a big smiley face on it to keep my Aunt Jane from walking through it again. The carpet is soft on my feet, even softer than the diesel’s cushions. I run down the hallway. There is Gammy, standing at the kitchen counter stirring a huge pot of spaghetti. She is tan and her gray hair is twirled up in a fancy bun on her head, and she wears lots of gold bracelets that clink together with their own music. She slaps her hands on her apron, the one with the crabs wearing chef hats all over it. She leans down to meet me.

“There you are, darling. We’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting. How was the drive?”

I hug her tight and say, “Fine Gammy, same as usual,” and then like my Mom always says,  “Traffic was not too bad.” I smell her smell, Lansinoh skin lotion and sand and coral-colored lipstick. “Where are Leigh and Matt?”

“Playing tag out on the beach with a bunch of kids. Why don’t you head out for a while? Boppy will whistle you all in at dinner.”

“Okay, Gams,” I say, and I walk towards the back door. I am excited to see my cousins so I don’t spend much time saying hello. But for some reason I look back and I see my grandmother standing there, where she usually is, and she sees me looking and smiles. She says, “Go on, darling.” And I know she will always be there, just like this house in the storm, waiting and waiting and waiting.

 

Laundry and Social Networking

Today I like: Kiawah Island
Not so much: Traffic on I-95

This post will draw a comparison between two seemingly unrelated things. The first is as old as humanity (or at least as old as humanity’s desire to smell good) and the second is a new frontier. Hmmm….bubble bath and ebooks? Old Spice and renewable energy sources?  No! I’m talking about laundry and social networking.

Please, bear with me. I swear it will make sense.

I joined Facebook back in the dark ages of 2008. I’d hop online, comment on the random 1990′s pics some high school acquaintance had the audacity to scan and ignore a few Farmville requests. I once spent an afternoon pondering “25 Random Things about Me.” (Number 10: I have great teeth and have never had a cavity.)  I even took the time to add captions to the photos I uploaded (Mommy and C at the beach! Uh…the sand and ocean probably gave that one away.) Easy and uncomplicated.

Sort of like the laundry situation when my husband and I first got married. With just the two of us it was a casual affair. I’d turn throw a load in the washer before work, dry it through dinner, fold it and put it all away over an episode of Carnivàle (remember that show?). Maybe twice a week one of us went through this ritual (my husband is a modern guy, after all). Also easy and uncomplicated.

Back to social networking. Fast forward to 2010. I finished my book (ah, the thrill!). I put up a website, and then I started blogging. Between researching and writing my own posts, I began searching out other blogs and commenting. The wealth of information out there amazed me, but I was surprised at how much time blogging consumed. Every day.

This point in my social networking life reminds me of the birth of my first child. Suddenly the laundry got more complicated. Little dresses, onesies, socks, burpies, bibs, blankets and sheets joined the fun. Days flew by and I managed to keep ahead of it all, but just barely. Embroidered teddy bears peeked from the baskets with their googly eyes, silently begging to be tucked away in the proper drawers.

“All right, fine!” I said to my daughter’s footy jammies. “You have feet. Why can’t you use them?”

I learned a lot about how much work it takes to keep a family going, and I was surprised by how much time laundry consumed. Every day.

Now back to my online endeavors, and 2011. I joined Twitter about a month ago, and social networking has officially overcome my capacity to keep up with it. This is not meant as a rant. I completely understand the need for author platforms, and besides, I love Twitter! I’ve met so many amazing, supportive writers, all full of information and great advice.

Mad love aside, however, I’m having a heck of a time keeping up with all the @mentions, RT’s, new followers, people I want to follow, everyone’s awesome blogs (and my urge to comment on everything I read), helpful articles, and just plain hilarious comments that demand a witty response. Add my own blogging to this and I’ve fallen into a social networking spin cycle.

It’s the same with the circa 2011 laundry situation. With three young kids and two adults (and a huge, fat dog) in one house, it never stops. School clothes, work clothes, workout clothes, soccer/riding/ballet/swimming/lacrosse clothes, towels, sheets…you know what I’m saying. We have a laundry chute (love it!) and I hear that thing in my dreams (Creeeeak–whooooosh!). I frantically shove everything in the washer and then chuck it the dryer on my way to recess duty. I hustle baskets upstairs and eventually I fold the the stuff and sometimes I even put it away.

There’s usually about an hour, maybe once a week, where all the laundry is clean, folded and put away. There’s a similar moment right after I put up a new blog post and upload a corrected PDF to my website and send out a blast of tweets (probably inciting several people to un-follow me for clogging the feed). I sigh, relieved. I’m done!

Then I hear it.

Creeeeak–whooooosh! The sound of wet towels sliding down the chute. Or maybe Tweetdeck’s chirp, chirp. The spin cycle starts again.

In the case of social networking, I wouldn’t have it any other way. If anything, I have to limit the time I spend condensing thoughts into 140 characters. I have a long list of blog posts just waiting to be written. I’m confident this effort will pay off, so I keep at it.

I’ve also learned to think of social networking as a process, not a goal. Finishing a first draft? That’s a goal.  Increasing my Klout score? A process. Social-networking has become part of my regular routine, like laundry. I’m a person who lives by lists and schedules, and I’ve added blogging and tweeting time to my hour-by-hour. I also keep track of blogs I want to check out, responses I owe, and people I hope to know better. I check things off the list, and when something falls through the cracks I add it to the next list.

That’s how I keep up with social networking. The laundry? Well, let’s just say there are two overflowing baskets waiting for me once the kids are asleep. Hopefully I’ll check that box tonight.

How do you manage your social networking?

Anatomy of a Snow Day

In lieu of my usual opening, I will do as my dear friend asked and list five things I must have in my possession before leaving the house: 1) oldest child 2) middle child 3) youngest child 4) iPod 5) phone. There it is, MCW!

So this is sort of a typical snow day in my house.

6:30am: C wakes up. He has an uncanny ability to sense when I might be able to sleep in, and therefore he wakes up early.
6:35am: I squint out the bedroom window. I see lots of white, but since I’m sort of blind-ish I can’t tell if it’s a dusting or three feet. Rather than putting my contacts in, I squint at the computer screen, which tells me that MCPS are closed for the day. Not surprising, since MC is a cautious district, with only the children’s safety in mind. It has been known to close for such life-threatening natural disasters as harsh breeziness, mid-term elections, and the US Open Golf Tournament.
6:37: I crawl back to bed with C and squeeze in ten minutes of awesome snuggly-ness before he gets sick of me and goes to play Batman. I doze off. Heaven!
7:02: Batman book hits me on the side of the head, interrupting pleasant dreams of bestseller-dom. “Read this, Mommy!”
After insisting on a please I search for my glasses. E and H drift into the room, all fuzzy jammies and little girl bed head.
“No school,” I say.
“Yes!” They disappear into their rooms, E to her books and H to her Barbies.
7:20: I’m downstairs in my workout clothes, because by wearing them I will remind myself that I must actually workout. Breakfast made! Dishes done! Beds made! Whoo hoo! I may be snowed in, but I’m off and running!
8:04: I start getting kids dressed to go out in the snow. It’s what winter fun is all about, right? Right!
9:38: Kids are ready to go out in snow. I locate mittens and help C into snow bibs for the second time (following predictable potty run). I loosen the girls’ scarves so they are no longer a strangulation risk. Last night’s wet boots emerge from dryer warm and toasty. E’s coat sleeves are properly tucked into her mittens, and her hair is as perfectly straight as Jennifer Aniston’s after a $500.00 blowout.
9:40: I prep hot chocolate. I sit at the kitchen table with my cup and watch kids in the snow. E pulls H and C in the sled, which is typical, because they always make her do all the heavy lifting. I run outside to adjust hats and mittens and wipes noses.
11:00: Everybody in! I strip boots, hats, gloves, scarves, mittens, bibs and coats before they can migrate past the back door and all over the house in a trail of dripping, disappearing snow necessities. I throw it all in the dryer, and dole out hot chocolate and mad marshmallows.
1:15: E’s buddy down the street has joined the fun. We’ve done puzzles and art projects and built a fort in the basement from the couch cushions. Toys are migrating from room to room. I slip on an open Backyardigans book (The Secret of Snow, no doubt, wherein Uniqua must discover, yup…you got it…) and come close to breaking an ankle, which wouldn’t be so bad, maybe. Then I’d have an excuse to not work out.
2:00: We’re running out of options. C is driving the girls and their friend mad.
“Stop breaking your sisters’ castles!” I say.
“But I WANT to break them,” he replies, with a face so earnest I almost feel sorry for him. “I really, really do.”
I remove him, but the girls start driving each other mad without his help. Everything I hear from the basement is along the lines of:
“You’re mean!”
“You’re the meanest!”
“You’re a stinker!”
“You’re a stinky chicken!”
“OK! Everyone back outside!” I send neighbor girl home to get her snow stuff.
2:58: Kids are back outside. I breathe a sigh of relief and eye the pile of brownies on the counter. The phone rings.
“Happy hour?” says BFF.
She’s read my mind. Email exchange between several other snowed-in moms results in the following Snow Day Happy Hour Specials: Pasta bake, chips, pretzels, blueberries, mac and cheese, assorted dips, eggrolls, garlic bread, mint chocolate chip frozen yogurt, and chicken nuggets. Oh, and wine. And brownies, because we’ve all resorted to baking them as Fun Snow Day Activity Number 8!
3:45: I start scraping snow off minivan, and then run back into house to answer phone. It’s Handsome Hubby, calling from busness trip in sunny CA. Begrudge him, just a tad.
3:59: I pile kids into the car and start for GF’s house, because she said we could come over anytime after 4pm. We slip and slide down the road. I grit my teeth. Nothing will keep me from a pasta bake and entertainment for my children. Not rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor crappy rear-wheel drive.
4:13: We arrive at GF’s house (which is approximately eight houses away from mine). We unload everyone. The kids add our pink and black boots, hats and mittens to the massive pile of pink and black boots, hats and mittens. I curse myself for not buying my children electric blue winter gear, if only to differentiate it from the masses.
5:30: HH is in full swing! Kids run amuck! Moms have a glass of wine! iPod is jammin’! Pasta bake, pretzels and assorted dips are consumed! In the grand tradition of our neighborhood, it’s mass hysteria.
7:59: Load kids in the car, much to H’s chagrin (“We ALWAYS leave first!”). Break a sweat (the first one of the day, although I’m still sporting my workout gear) carrying C to the car because putting boots on for the sixth time today seems like too much effort.
8:08: Arrive home with all three kids and six (sort of) matching mittens, but without C’s boots. Make mental note to retrieve boots from GF’s house sometime before spring thaw. I hustle kids toward bed. We forego baths, as they spent several hours in the snow, and isn’t snow wet?
8:35: I call Handsome Hubby to say goodnight, and listen to hilarious snow day recap from kids. Should I be alarmed that Happy Hour is part of their regular vernacular? I read The Secret of Snow (again). Tuck C in. I read The Polar Express. Tuck H in. Ask E to put aside Junie B. Jones and the Slushy-Wushy Snow Day (so I made that one up. There’s an idea for you, Barbara Park!). Lights out!
9:05: Tell H to go to sleep. Check MCPS website. So far school is on tomorrow! Send Hubby goodnight email. Tell H to go to sleep again.
9:33: H is asleep! I’m wide awake. Plan the night’s new scene on treadmill. I’m about to burn something down in my imaginary world. Exciting! Who knew I was a pyromaniac at heart?
10:40: Sit down at computer, sweaty but clear-headed. Burn, baby, burn.
12:28: Scene done! Protagonist triumphs! I think I used the words “heat” and “smoke” and maybe “conflagration” waaaay to many times, but whatever. That’s what first drafts are for. Check MCPS wesbite. School is…CANCELLED!

Oh well, maybe C will sleep in. Or maybe not, but at least we’ll get to snuggle. Like everything in life, snow days are a mixed bag.

Soy to the World

Today I like: Sugar cookie dough
Not so much: muddy dog feet

My mom is not your typical grandma. She’s a top development executive for a major DC hospital. When she decided to make it simple this year and have Christmas dinner catered, I said more-power-to-ya. After all, she’s prepared more than her share of turkeys, briskets and pork loins over the years. She suggested Italian. I’m game. Bring on the stress-free, carb-loaded holiday bonanza! Things got a bit sketchy, however, during the girls’ Nutrcracker production. Here’s a recap…

“I’m getting lasagna from the Jewish deli on Georgia Avenue,” Mom announces during intermission.

“Where?” Perhaps I had misheard her. After all, I’m well into day five of an absurdly cute Tchaikovsky-induced stupor.

“It will be delicious.”

“Interesting…have you had it before?” Don’t get me wrong. I love a Jewish deli, but this plan seems a bit off to me. Sort of like buying curry at a BBQ joint, or (the Marylander in me cringes) ordering crab cakes in Denver.

Mom gives me knowing smile. “Kosher.”

This is a typical response from my very Catholic mother. She’s often said if she wasn’t Catholic she’d rather be Jewish than Protestant. I wonder what the Pope would think of that one.

“Ok, Mom, you’re hosting. Sounds great. I’ll bring dessert.”

No problem, I think. We’re talking about lasagna here, not foie gras.

Flash forward three days. Mom and I chat on the phone as I race through the mall before C’s pre-school pickup. I’m distracted by the handbag department, but I catch a few words over the Nordstrom piano guy’s snappy rendition of White Christmas.

“Wine…salad…soy meat…”

Yet again I find myself asking her to clarify. “Did you just say soy meat?”

“Yes,” replies my sweet mommy, “soy meat. That’s how they make it at the deli.”

“They can’t make it with regular meat?”

“No. It will be very fresh and healthy.”

Ok. I realize the situation is getting out of control. “Mom,” I say. “No way.”

Now she wants me to repeat myself. “No way?”

“No way. We are not having soy meat lasagna on Christmas. It will be gross.”

“You won’t be able to tell the difference.”

“What will J (my Italian brother-in-law) say?”

“I wasn’t going to tell anyone. If it’s good that’s great. It it isn’t it will be a big joke. We’ll always remember the year we had the soy lasagna.”

A little more haggling and I’ve salvaged Christmas dinner. I order carnivorous lasagna from a boring, national chain Italian place. I’m sort of sad we won’t be consuming all natural ingredients and supporting a local independent business, but I couldn’t make the leap into meatless-ness. Just to make sure I’m not crazy I survey both husband and eight-months-pregnant sister on the narrowly averted menu. Response from both: “Soy lasagna? Gross. No way.”

So now I feel a little bit like the Grinch for putting the smackdown on soy, but luckily my mother has a sense of humor. Thank you, Mom, for allowing me to run away with your healthy, Kosher plan. I love your openminded holiday spirit! If anyone needs a recommendation for vegan lasagna please let me know. You could also try the Chik’n marsala and To-furkey tetrazzini.

Merry Christmas and a belated Happy Chanukah to all!