Today I like: Rainy mornings that turn into sunny afternoons
Not so much: Homework
Today’s post is not about writing, or fairy tales, or gender dynamics. It’s not really about motherhood, although I guess it is about something that’s vital to moms. Well, not just moms, but all women. It’s…the girlfriend.
We all need them. I’ve been so, so blessed to have wonderful female friendships that have followed me through my life. I count my mother, my sister, and two of my cousins as my closest friends. I have a friend coming to visit me next weekend who I’ve know since we attended a single grade of school together at age eight. I have high school friends and college friends and friends I’ve made through my children’s school and my neighborhood. These relationships are vital to my health and my soul, and I hope I’ve reciprocated support and laughter to these amazing women over the years.
So when I moved back to Charleston, I was lucky enough to still have two of my very dearest, oldest girlfriends here in town. Freshman-year-in-college, lived-together-for-years kind of friends. We don’t live very close to each other, unfortunately, and get together when we can. I’m thrilled to be able to see them on a more regular basis, but I’m conscious that it will take work. When I left DC, I left behind not only my mother, but a few very close friends, and I my heart hurts missing them every day. Particularly my best friends from my neighborhood. We had an almost “college-like” relationship. Saw each other every day. Talked on the phone every day. Spent Friday and Saturday nights together nearly every weekend. Went on trips together. I recognize how rare it is for adult, balancing work and family, to have that everyday closeness. I feel like I’ve been cut loose, just a bit. Sort of like I’m “single” again.
So I’m here, now, in Charleston, and for the first time in years I’m on the prowl. On the prowl for girlfriends.
It’s not so different from dating. You head to a party, or the park, or a room parent meeting. A few moms turn up. You check them out. Hmmm, she looks pretty cool. Fun dress. Looks like she works out– maybe we have something in common? About my age…because I’m not trying to “date” too young or too old…maybe I should make a move?
So we chat…kids…work…where-y’all-from? She’s funny! Fascinating background…drinks good beer! I’m interested!
But maybe she’s not. Maybe she has a million friends and doesn’t need any more. Maybe I’m coming off as too blunt (I’ve been known to have that problem in the past.). Well, I’ve dropped the hint. Let’s see what happens.
Next day, I wonder…maybe I’ll shoot her an email and see if she wants to grab coffee? Hmmm…don’t want to be a pest but it’s worth it. That chick was too cool to pass up.
By the time I get around to looking up her email address it’s afternoon. Flip open my in-box. Oh, look, she emailed me first!
Yeah! Guess she wants to be friends. Let’s do coffee. It’s just a “first date,” but you never know. Maybe I’ve made a match.
the feeling is mutual my friend! we miss you!
I have SO been there! I lived in DC for 1.5 years before my first “date.” After meeting her, I excitedly called my mom who logically asked, “What’s her last name?” My reply, “I don’t know.” She continued, “Where does she live?” Umm, “I don’t know.” She asked hopefully, “Did you exchange numbers?” “No. But I’m sure I’ll see her again.” And, I was right–she immediately became one of my closest friends of all time. Trust your intuition!
And, btw, your girlfriends miss you, too.
Thanks, Dani! Hoping I can find some ladies as awesome as those of RF. Tough to live up to it! xo
Steph, first let me start by saying that you have not only been one of my closest friends, but like a sister to me! You are so dead on! You have completely articulated the “mom in a new town” experience. It’s funny, the husbands don’t have to go through it. They just end up being friends with our new friends’ husbands! There is nothing like having truly amazing friends from each stage of life. You will soon meet the next addition of fabulous women to add to your incredible collection of friends!
Ok so you’re all getting me choked up! Miss everyone!
This is so true — and it can be tough and tricky, so it sounds like you are well on your way. My two best friends live in Colorado (where we moved here from) and now, in Maine, it’s been a tough go to meet new friends. I think working at home, having kids in middleschool & highschool rather than toddlers, and the solitary writing freelance life, has made it much harder. And as an introvert it takes me a lot of effort. Probably why online writer friends have become so important to me!
Hey Julia! It is amazing how we’ve forged friendships as writers without ever actually meeting each other. I love the online writing community– gives me a sense of having colleagues again (and not the annoying kind who sit in the next office and talk on the phone really loud
This is so true. As you get older you have to make “dates” to see friends and maintain that relationship. Once college or grad school is over your friends aren’t conveniently placed in your established social circles. Then there’s that whole new level when everyone starts having families of their own. Thankfully I’m not quite there yet
You are really something special, Stephanie Alexander. I just loved this post. And you epitomize the reason that, despite being a heterosexual male, I gravitate toward the friendship/fellowship of the fairer gender. No wonder I appreciate our connection so much. You are bold and brave enough to wear your big heart on your sleeve. I admire that.
Aww, thanks Al! You are the best. And guys who can relate to women so well are few and far between! Hope your “real life” lady appreciates you!
I can SO relate to this post! When we first moved to London from NJ, I literally didn’t know a soul and actually posted a “looking for friends” message on a mom’s message board…internet dating at its best. Because not only did the mum have to like me,but since my son was only 2.5, our kids had to get along reasonably well. I had a few dud dates, but there are a handful of mums I’ve met who I’m still friends with 4 years later.
I’ve heard from others that London can be tough. Think it’s hard bc everyone has had the same friends forever. The expat communities seem to be a great option!
I read this and become sad for us RF Moms that missing seeing you and your kids’ faces everyday! I also read this and am excited for you to meet a whole new group of fun women! Lastly, I read this and am jealous of those moms that are soon to meet you and receive that great energy & Friday night laughs you gave us! XOXO
I am so in the same boat! Went to story time at the Library today with the kiddos in hopes of meeting some stay at home moms, it was mostly grandmothers who watch their grandchildren!!! LOL! Strike out! Tumblers group starts in a week….hoping for more success there! Love you! xoxo
Keep at it! You’ll find them…maybe in the cornfields
Love this – I’m not a Mom, but I so get the process. Girlfriends rule!
Oh BOY can I relate to this; when I moved from rural PA to big ol Phoenix, the friend-making was not easy at all, despite it being the fifth largest city in the US. One would think that would up the odds of girlfriend matches. But it didn’t. In fact, it just added a whole bunch of “people not like me” to the mix and made the friendship wading that much muddier. When I finally did make some close friends, most of them moved: to California, Chicago, and – yes – Alaska. And one friend – my maid of honor – dumped me like sack of potatoes (To this day I have NO idea why. Though I hear she dropped out of all of her friend’s lives… sad, really).
But when I moved to the rural little AZ haven I call home now, I actually declared to my husband, “I am going to make friends today.” I hopped in the pickup, armed with jars of homemade prickly pear jelly (yes, I was willing to bribe people into being my friends) and drove to houses, knocking on doors. “Hi. I’m living at Morris’s old place. I see you’re building a home. We’re going to be starting a build. Thought you might share some tips. Want some jelly?” Ha ha… the end result was so fruitful (pun intended), though! I’m part of a monthly ladies poker group, have a weekly hiking partner, and for the first time in our lives, me and hubby have couples friends IN THE SAME STATE! Woo hoo.
I admire your tenacity! Sometimes you just have to dive in there, uncomfortable as it can be to be the “new kid.” xo
We miss you Steph. You will have tons of girlfriends in no time….OR you can always come home….we’re here
Thanks my friend! I so miss y’all…but I think I’m home for good. xoxo
ahhhh…just keep it real. good people find good people.
i will see you soon.
Hope so! You know you’re my “keep it real” inspiration. xoxo
I have a feeling whoever meets you will love you immediately as we all have. They would be fools not to.
XO
Aww, thanks Hallie! Made my day.
Miss you tons. Just keep on being you and it will all fall into place. You are awesome!
This is so true! I think dating for girlfriends is even more awkward than actual dating. At least when people are dating, you understand why someone would be dropping hints or calling. But when you’re looking for a friend, you can come off as creepy if the woman already has her circle and can’t understand why you’re so interested. It’s tough, I tell you! It’s also such a different process as an adult than it is when you’re younger. It’s harder for me especially since I work from home, and my closest friends are actually in Florida. They’re the ones I’ve known since I was a kid, and there’s no way to replace the kind of history we share together.